urbanitas23 (urbanitas23) wrote,

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Front Office Moves...

So I've been doing some thinking about America, because it seems things are pretty fucked up right now and then it suddenly occured to me what is wrong with this place. The way I figure it is that America needs a General Manager. Think about it for a minute. I'm not talking about a president, that's worthless and the one we got now sets the all-time record for that. We need someone equiped to make transactions, like a baseball or basketball general manager. So even though you've got a president (in this case, that dopey Dubya character) and an owner (the 5% that owns 95% of the wealth. Yes, this is an aproximation, not fact. I hate assholes that bounce numbers around as if they were facts when they have absolutely no idea where the numbers came from and how they were collected) this country does not have a general manager. Someone equiped to make trades and sign free agents. And after modest self reflection, it occured to me that no one is better equiped for this position than yours truly. So here are the moves that I would make in the front office:

1) I'd trade Texas to Mexico for corn and the release of American citizens in Mexican jails. We'd still retain the rights to Austin, but like the UK and Hong Kong, or the US and the Panama canal, those rights would expire at a time to be determined later.

2) Sign a free agent: a Keynsian great works project. Here's how we do it: arm the surplus army of labor with shovels. I'm thinking 200,000 - 300,000, but anyone who needs a job won't be turned away. Position them at the florida border. Dig a moat and then push Florida into the Atlantic. Anyone from Disneyworld who tries to swim back will either be eaten by Aligators or forced to watch one of those horrible glurge movies that they make. The Lion King should suffice.

3) Resume trade relations with Cuba. The trade? We get good cigars & rum (finally!) & Cuba finally gets to profit off of the widespread dissemination of the Che logo.

4) Trade Joe Liberman, Michael Eisner and any other Jew whom I decide is worthy of a de-brissing (yeah, that's right. Sewing the motherfucker back on. Don't flinch, you know they deserved it.) to Israel in return for the establishment of a Palestinian state that is unified rather than an archipellago of territories. The penalty for an Israeli killing anyone or any Palestinian trying to blow themselves up is they are to be tied to a chair Clockwork Orange style and forced to watch that Friends spin off: the Joey show. Repeat offenders will be forced to watch Home Improvement.

5) The armed forces will not be disbanded, but many troops will be reassigned to peace time detail: Planting trees, fixing roads, and giving hugs to strangers, etc. I understand the needs of a nation to defend itself, but that has to do with the nation's own soil, and not someplace else. You can't defend your garage from your neighbors kitchen, especially when you are raiding the fridge. A new stipulation will be added to anyone in the armed forces. For every individual a person kills, regardless of the dead man's complicity in any attack on the US, the soldier will be legally obligated to bury a 6 inch bowie knife into their own flesh. Even in defense of the country, killing will not be glorified, nor will murderers be called "heroes". They will be called people walking around with giant bowie knife gashes.

6) I'll trade imprisioned individuals in this country for drug related charges for war criminal Bush, Condi Rice, Let's Rumble Rummy, Gonzales and Ashcroft, Lance Armstrong (for making those "tool detection devices" as Owen calls them, that are the stupid yellow bracelets, in addition to being a right wing whacko & from the former state of Texas), Antonia Scalia, Pat Robertson, and other right wing players to be named later.

7) Vacuous public statements will be tolerated under free speech, but will also be subject to public riddicule. So to frame this in GM terms, people caught wearing "We support our troops" ribbons will be placed on the Disabled (mentally) list, because unless you are a conscientious tax objector, you do in fact support our troops, whether you think they should be there or not.

These are the first seven front office moves I'd make as GM. I'm sure about a hundred others would quickly follow, but that's all you get for today.
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